So, I was taking a walk today, yes, when perhaps I should have been practicing and preparing for Saturday’s show, especially as I’ve been focusing way too much all month on the idea that I haven’t had enough time to dedicate to it, what with the studio floor crisis and all of these things that kept coming up.*  Then, suddenly there is a bunch of TIME, and I choose to take a walk.  But I needed it, and as it turns out, it helped me to prepare. Actually, most of my practicing for this show has been in my bedroom in a small, carpeted space between the bed and the chest of drawers.  Who says you need a big space to practice, who says you need a floor?  Not me, not for certain things.

So, most of my preparations have been in my head, on paper, and working things out in that little space.  And then, of course, the limited rehearsals with Nat, Diana, and the dancers have been quite productive and efficient, even weirdly so.  And, the last two nights after class Stefani then Brenna each let me show them my solo piece because I felt the need to dance it in front of people to get used to doing it for others.  Last night doing it for Brenna all I could think was, man, my tientos isn’t even 1/86th as cool as Manolillo’s.  But why would I expect it to be?  Brenna said that was good because it was more me, and, well, that’s the point I suppose.

Ok, so back to the walk.  As I went along I thought, hmm, I should introduce my show in some way to the audience before we begin.  So I began thinking of what I might say...

Hello, thank you for coming and all of that.  I want to tell them I am thankful to the Fertile Ground Festival for allowing for and encouraging works in progress because the work they are going to see is very raw.  Crudo.  That I’m scared to present it in such a form, but I guess that is also the nature of flamenco itself, so it must make perfect sense.

But I wanted to tell them more about it. I started imagining something like this:

I have this thing in me that shows up a lot, Doubt, which I guess comes from Fear.  It keeps me from doing all kinds of things, or has me do things kind-of-sort-of rather than completely.  It bothers and annoys me, though I suppose it might have important things to tell me, perhaps it is there for a reason. I don’t usually know why or what it has to tell me, but I’d like to start paying more attention and perhaps find out.

And then, the tears began to surface.  As soon as I started thinking about this, as soon as I started thinking about all of the fear that inspired the show and that lives inside of me.  Oh, I wonder if that could be part of its reason for existing.

I thought about my family and certain people and how they might think, what do you mean fear?  You do all kinds of risky things, and then I was afraid I would disappoint them by admitting to being so afraid.  I felt sad, sad to have so much fear, STILL.  Sad to allow it to get in my way, still.  Then I started thinking about my sweet nieces and hating the idea of them growing up and doubting themselves too.  I felt sad, muy triste.

So, yeah, I started crying and wondered what I was thinking.  Could I actually introduce this show?  I’ll get too emotional.  It would be like when I sang (tried to sing) my vows at my own wedding.  You can imagine what that was like.  I don’t know; I thought I could do it. 

Anyway, let’s get back to the show.  So walking along I found that even the idea of talking to people about it scares me!  Maybe more than actually performing it?  I just continued walking and playing around with what to say. Perhaps I’ll print out this post and use bits and pieces.  Perhaps I won’t say anything at all.

So, as I was nearing home I looked up and saw a rabbit made of clouds.  Its puffy head was right in front of the sun.  Some people might call it a sign.  You see, Monday was the Chinese New Year announcing the year of the dragon.  That’s when I discovered that last year was the year of the rabbit, my year!  Twelve months had gone by without my being aware of this, and I suddenly felt like I’d missed out on something, though I had no idea what.  But then, there it was, a rabbit in the sky to comfort me.

As always, I love to hear from you.  You can leave a comment right here.


*By the way, I mentioned the studio above -  On February 1st we’re moving classes to a lovely new space, the Stomptown Collective, that’s next Wednesday!  The new schedule will be announced in the news tomorrow.