Tengo un secreto.
I leave in a few weeks, and I’m scared
But not for the usual reasons.
I’m afraid to take people there. Even though this will be the fourth time I’ve taken a group there to study.
I’m afraid to be responsible for making sure they have a good time. Even though I’m pretty sure they will.
But what if they don’t, and it’s all my fault?
What if they feel disappointed?
What if they hate it?
What if they wish they had never come?
Those are just some of the things I think
The fears that pop up before every trip to Spain.
I'm getting used to them.
Maybe it is kind of like performing.
Because I usually think those things before a performance.
Or maybe it is kind of like dancing in front of a teacher in class.
Because sometimes I worry about those things then too.
Or perhaps it's just normal.
Because I know that others experience similar thoughts.
The Thing is This
Everything is always fine.
With each trip to Spain I find myself having a good time and learning all kinds of things, along with everyone else.
The fear still shows up.
For different reasons.
And under different circumstances.
Like that Monday morning when I told Stefani I was scared to go to bulerías.
I was scared, but I knew it was going to be okay.
We were all feeling it a little bit.
And knowing that somehow made it better.
Admitting this to you is scary
Just as it was when I originally posted it here.
So, I think about the moments of fear.
I think about how everything worked out. Obviously.
And I realize,
Sometimes the scariest thing of all is this
Sharing my feelings.
It is one of the reasons I dance flamenco.
It’s scary, sí, but it helps me to express myself.
It’s an outlet.
And it is one of the reasons I keep going back to Spain.
People tell me I'm brave to go to Spain.
They tell me I'm brave to invite others along.
Perhaps that is true.
But I'm scared.
... I do it anyway
I know it's normal.
I know it will go away, or at least lessen, once I actually go, once I actually dance, once I actually do the thing.
I know I can't let it hold me back. Unless I want to spend all day twiddling my thumbs at home.
You might be feeling afraid too.
Afraid to go to a foreign country with a group of people you don't know. You actually do kind of know them, even though you don't know them, if you know what I mean.
Afraid to go to study flamenco in the land where flamenco comes from.
Afraid to do it around "real" flamencos.
I'm here to let you know that you're not alone.
If you'd like to join me in Spain, you can get all of the details here.
What are your fears? Let me know below.