Ok, so I mentioned that I had another resolution, apart from the first one. This one is harder to put into words, so I'm allowing for it to be something other than a concise written statement. After all, soy artista, used to expressing myself in a variety of ways. This resolution has to do with my business, with respecting and honoring it. It has to do with allowing for it to evolve as it needs to evolve. It has to do with me providing the space and time to let this happen. It has to do with allowing myself to have doubts and fears but viewing those with curiosity rather than interpreting them as signals to give up.
¡Dejarlo todo, No!
You see, quite regularly, I think about quitting this all and just going back to working for someone else. It is confusing. And it kind of terrifies me. Maybe I am not supposed to say that here, but it is the truth, and I am saying it. It is not that I don't want to be here or that I don't love what I'm doing. Noooo, not at all. In fact, I have been doing some research and have discovered it is quite the opposite:
I've been talking to people, other small business owners, like my brother-in-law, and in so doing, I've found that I am not alone in feeling this way.
Reassurance. My feelings are to be expected. Ahhh.
And, I've been doing some reading, about fear stepping in trying to tell me I don't want something that I really do want. Havi Brooks - she is brilliant - says that avoidance is fear's favorite thing to wear. Hmm, all of that resistance, just a bunch of jaleos in disguise?
This goes beyond reassurance. It is inspiration.
And then, last week, I kept getting these little avisos.
Little reminders while I was in San Diego visiting my sister and family. The purpose of the visit, to be with my loved ones. It had been a year since I had seen my three sweet nieces, too long, way too long. So, as you can imagine, flamenco wasn't a priority. Of course, I was still practicing when I wasn't practicing... [walking thinking about keeping my pompi dentro or playing around with footwork patterns while the sitting and waiting as the girls to tried on shoes...] but my time there was for family.
And last week, as usual, the thought that it would just be easier to give up on my business crossed my mind more than a few times.
But then I started noticing things, certain things while I was in San Diego, enjoying my family. I noticed...
That I just wanted to be moving my body, bailando. So, I would move my hands and arms for a second to get it out of my system.
That I wanted to be playing palmas, so I would, and I wouldn't want to stop.
That I wanted to be doing and sharing flamenco with people. Lucky for me there were people around who wanted this as well, niece people.
That I couldn't get enough of teaching my nieces - showing them the steps to a dance, how to use the fan, palmas and counting, the singing of a song...
Last week provided me with many reminders of why I do this. And with each one came inspiration. I'm now feeling particularly inspirada about the show coming up at Polaris for Fertile Ground.
Tengo miedo todavía, sí. But I love doing this. I know I am so lucky to be able to do this, and there are so many happenings planned for 2012 and many in the works, all things I'm incredibly excited about.
So, I resolve to keep giving to and listening to my business, this business. To do what is best for me and it.
And this brings me back to the noticing and practicing. I see that this is algo grande. That doing this allows me to stay with my resolutions, to keep working toward them. The noticing together with the practicing keeps me from feeling like I've failed and is therefore worthy of being a resolution on its own. Is that allowed, to have three? I think so. It is still the first week of 2012, and they are all importantes, all posibles. And like I said, I need the noticing and practicing for the others, as I need it for my dancing, for my palmas, for creating, for everything.
Thank you for being here, for supporting me. Having you here is another aviso, a big one. This is something I've noticed. So gracias, míl gracias.
aviso - a notice
dejar - to leave/abandon
miedo - fear
todavía - still
algo grande - something big
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